and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
