genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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