So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
