shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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