9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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