I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
