headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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