My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
