The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How does one acquire holy water?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
