when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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