why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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