We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
