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I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
