Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
