I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
