i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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