I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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