I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
