this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
