Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just found a bag of teeth...
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
