I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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