you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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