2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
