I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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