it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize