I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
