now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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