now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
