New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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