I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize