Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
