the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
