nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dick very happy bro
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Couch. On fire.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
