They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
