there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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