Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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