my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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