you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
