This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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