Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's blow job season.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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