Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
