I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
you never un-have a 4some
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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