i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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