I need to stop coming to work sober
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
