after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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