I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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