i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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