Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
