Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
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