There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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