Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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