Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
