Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I am available for nakedness
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
