So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
