Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
