I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize