she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
