Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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