She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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