I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
