Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
