just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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