she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
