Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
