Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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