Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
