Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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