You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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