I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
