You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
