I wish I could punch you in the face.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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