My room smells like vodka and shame
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
